Act/

Encourage

Today, boys are confronted with a difficult double message. On the one hand, they are expected to be high-performing and self-assured like previous generations of men. On the other, they are expected to be empathetic, caring and emotionally competent. Successfully navigating this tension requires encouragement to take ownership of one’s own development as a man.

The “Cool”

Facade

Many boys are less hardened than they appear. A deliberately cool or detached posture is often a protective strategy for dealing with insecurity. Insecurity is a normal part of adolescence. It does not signal failure. It signals growth.

At the same time, boys today face additional pressures. There is widespread societal uncertainty about what masculinity means. Public debates are polarised. Some defend rigid masculinity ideals, while others reject them entirely. In peer groups, different expectations may apply than in families or schools. The result is a contradictory field of expectations that boys must learn to navigate. This tension deserves recognition, not dismissal. Parents and professionals can support boys by acknowledging these pressures and encouraging them to define their own version of masculinity. Self-determination, emotional awareness and integrity are not contradictions to strength. They are expressions of it. Boys do not need to choose between toughness and empathy. They can learn to integrate both. Encouragement means helping them discover that confidence grows not from rigid role expectations, but from knowing themselves, setting boundaries and acting with respect for others.

The Pressure on Boys Is High

The current generation of young men is growing up in the midst of profound social transformation. Like previous generations, they have internalised during socialisation the belief that men may neglect social and emotional competencies and still claim a superior position within family, society and the workplace.They now encounter a world that is attempting to move beyond its patriarchal imprint and is no longer prepared to uphold this implicit “promise”.

In this context, masculinity is no longer simply revered but increasingly scrutinised, as adherence to dysfunctional masculinity norms has been shown to contribute to violence and to endanger physical and mental health. Not all young men respond to this transition by seeking new ways of being male that are fair and self-determined. A significant number react to uncertainty by holding on to patriarchal ideals of masculinity. Many experience themselves as betrayed and threatened in their self-worth and sense of manhood. Because they have learned that it is “unmanly” to confront painful feelings of shame, rejection or humiliation, they may struggle to seize the developmental opportunity this transition presents. Instead, some withdraw or cultivate resentment. Social media and gaming environments continuously supply narratives that intensify anger and facilitate masculinity-based radicalisation.

Competence in educational work with boys therefore requires a stance that is both encouraging and appropriately challenging.³⁹ Boys’ work should communicate that the goal is not to be a “correct” man or to resemble every other man.⁴⁰ Rather, it supports boys in identifying an individually suitable space in which they can learn to be “good enough” as boys and later as men. This includes continuously asking which developmental opportunities and forms of support are accessible to boys with fewer intellectual, social or emotional resources.

Educational work with boys must also address the fault lines created by shifting masculinity norms. What is new is not that masculinity expectations can be difficult to fulfil, but that they have become internally contradictory. For example, sexist remarks may be rewarded or considered necessary in some contexts and strongly condemned in others. Boys are confronted with double messages: they are expected to embody one set of traits and simultaneously its opposite. Such contradictions almost inevitably generate confusion and disorientation, even if not all boys experience this equally or at the same time.

Educational practice should also foster constructive ways of dealing with feelings of powerlessness and failure. Ideally, it can help transform experiences of failure into opportunities for growth and experiences of powerlessness into sources of insight and strength. To do so, it must offer more compelling alternatives than radicalisation or the promise of restored dominance. These alternatives may be demanding, but they should be developmentally meaningful rather than regressive.

Core Principles for Supporting Boys

In order for teachers and other adult caregivers of boys and young men to meet these challenges, they must develop specific competencies. In an article on boys’ work in schools, Bernard Könnecke of the organisation Dissens⁴¹ calls on professionals to critically reflect on and further develop their own attitudes so that they:

recognise, value and incorporate the wishes and interests of individual boys without attaching gender-based stereotypes to them;
demonstrate openness and a clear willingness to engage in contact with boys, and make this availability visible;
develop sensitivity to masculinity dynamics, particularly processes of hierarchy formation, dominance and subordination among boys;
understand and appreciate the potentially infinite diversity of gender identities and life paths as genuine diversity;
move beyond viewing masculinity and femininity as opposing categories and instead recognise and articulate differences, similarities and overlaps between genders, without creating new rigid labels;
while valuing individual differences, clearly advocate for egalitarian structures in society and private life, including equal access, opportunities and rights in relation to gender and beyond.